Beware the bulldog mindset
by John Gohorry
Sat 11th Jan 2014
When Buster Bulldog and his bestbitch got married,
she wore a red, white and blue dress with a pussybow,
he buff breeches and his new Union Flag waistcoat.
Big, burly, broad-shouldered bulldog bouncers
kept undesirables at bay while a brass band played
Land of Bulldog Glory, of which patriot squads
growled the words; bullbitch celebrities bellowed
Woe betide lesser breeds wanting to get in;
So long, ding dong, so long, you just don’t belong,
Misfit, you’re it, misfit, your face don’t fit.
Only bulldogs were welcome; other dogs, such as
beagles and boxers, were banned, and birds too,
geese, chickens, owls. Most of all, they abhorred
birds of multicultural mien and cosmopolitan creed
that grew up on Romanian grain or Bulgar wheat
and used banknotes with bridges on to settle
their board and lodging bills, bartering bread,
beans, beetroot and bacon in an alien jabber
no True Blue Bulldog could make tail or head of.
The bulldogs’ message for all these was the same;
by Jingo we’ll hammer you where it hurts,
if you’ve got foreign fur we’ll make it fly, grab you
by the goolies and give you a good gouging,
bite your balls off and braise them for breakfast,
and if you’ve got fancy feathers we’ll pluck out
your parasite plumage and send you packing,
back where you came from to earn a living.
So Betsy the bitchbride and her maids in blue
Burberry dresses sported bright lapel buttons
or blouse badges that read Budgies go home!
goading the groomdogs as they rose one by one
on their hind legs to bark Ancient Jerusalem
and wolf bleeding beef steaks and Brussels paté
until it was time for the happy couple to head off
to their honeymoon hotel in Exeter or elsewhere,
when they smashed open a pink plastic piggybank
and piled on the table pyramids of pound coins
higher than St Paul’s Cathedral, packed them in purses,
and presented them to the couple to spend or to keep
as they pleased, the wedding car creaming the lawns
where stone cold Britannia in rags wept and shivered
freezing behind great gates like those of Gibraltar.