A Modest Proposal for the Improvement of the Younger Generation

After a lifetime in education, I am able to aver that the main problem with our young persons is not being caused by inadequate teachers. It is not being caused by self engrossed and unconscionable politicians. It is not being prompted by greedy companies peddling rubbish. It is not even being caused by a rather lost BBC trying desperately to become popular at the expense of quality (witness the plethora of utterly brainless programmes such as Strictly Come Dancing, The One Show and other idiotic occasions for audiences to screech, whoop and act in a way remarkably similar to the occupants of Monkey World in the South West).

First and foremost, the dysfunctional nature of today’s young persons is caused by their worshipping parents who seem to spend their entire lives posting trivial photographs of their ‘Child Jesuses’ on Facebook accompanied by the most embarrassingly meaningless anecdotes about some insignificant event in the poor child’s life. Here are mothers who present a breast to a little bald creature with huge surprised eyes and whilst it sucks voraciously, the mother frantically texts endless mindless messages to every poor fool who had given her their number. Fathers who have all the undoubted fun of sexual intercourse and then, as soon as they are informed that their mate is pregnant, they walk away mumbling something about not being ready for this. Of course, our wonderfully humane Government talks the talk about austerity and personal responsibility, but it does nothing to impose an obligation on the father to care for his offsprings. It simply hands the mother all the money that she needs and makes her utterly dependent on handouts whilst she is clearly not equipped to bring up anything but a new generation who will replicate her and their father’s dysfunctional existence.

Where does the school fit in? A quick mental calculation would show the reader that students attend school for fifteen per cent of their school lives. The other eighty five per cent they spend outside school. Let us grant them thirty five per cent for eating, sleeping and engaging in bodily functions. That leaves every single child / young person fifty per cent of private and personal time to so whatever they want. Given that so many parents are working or, where they are not working, they haven’t the foggiest what to do with and for the child, their children are free to roam through their childhood and teenagehood without guidance, without any structured activities as well as without any opportunities to internalise the discipline needed for a healthy and satisfying life.

Of course, politicians continue to blame teachers for the current generation’s apparent failure and apparent lack of discipline. The current social imperative of absolute greed that deprives children and young persons of any deep seated contentment is even blamed on schools because they have failed to imbue students with a spiritual dimension.

The biggest culprit for blaming teachers is, of course, that most fascist of organisations: OfSTED. Inspectors go into schools, patronise the living daylights out of hard working and decent teachers, tell them what they are doing wrong and leave them utter wrecks for years.

Exaggerated? Visit any school that had just had an OfSTED and get a decent psychiatrist to carry out an evaluation of the poor victims of Sir Michael’s intellectual thugs and look at the results.

Maybe OfSTED’s valueless services could be extended to inspecting families. A group of inspectors go into a private home of, say, a single mum with three children aged, say, one, five and ten.

The criteria are very straightforward: Every child who can not read by five is instantly removed. That should relieve the poor long suffering mother of the eldest two children. This leaves the infant. Being still subject to occasionally filling his nappy most unexpectedly and of screaming for “the boob” in that banker like ugly selfishness – he should be instantly removed and sent to Afghanistan where they will soon make a man of him. And should he choose to shoot an injured prisoner of war to help him “shuffle off this mortal coil” – OfSTED could, of course, suggest that that was not really “murder” – no, just a “moment of stupidity” or of “high spirits – don’t you know…”.

If families were to be inspected, not a single household in many areas of our green and pleasant land would be out of special measures. To indicate that, OfSTED could always be required to paint a red cross on the family’s door to alert others to the need never to allow their children to play with the failed ones. There! That way, like we do with schools now, we would eradicate all parental inadequacy.

Of course this service by OfSTED could be extended significantly. That other Mike’s Army could be dispersed into our high streets. Their job would be very simple: Every child throwing a major tantrum (criteria could be on a new tantrum Geiger Counter), the child would instantly be impounded, given a number and thrown in the back of a van (a little like the American dog catchers). Every parent who remotely appears to be spending money buying on impulse will have their purse/wallet instantly removed and handed over to the Exchequer to finance new wars and other such popular televisual diversions.

Bedrooms could be crashed into by OfSTED’s SAS type inspectors and any couple engaging in unsafe sex would be questioned. The criteria are fairly straight forward: Do the two recognise the possible consequence of unsafe sex? A quick psychometric test should establish the true picture. If the inspectors are not satisfied with the results, they could immediately call on the NHS to perform a speedy vasectomy on the man or a quick, but slightly more labour intensive, sterilisation of the woman. The couple may then resume their entertainment as soon as OfSTED has replaced the shattered windows.

What? Far fetched? Why? OfSTED, Her Majesty’s Government and so many others already do something precisely similar in schools by utterly emasculating male teachers and crushing even more the already crushed females. What’s the difference?

Imagine how much quieter and more peaceful would life be with these humane and reasonable measures! And the Coalition will almost certainly win the next elections – which is all that Mr. Gove’s educational measures are aimed at.