Silver Foxes

Tally and also Ho! Sound the horn, unleash the hounds. We must arise and protest that flimsy Tory manifesto. Not because it goes too far. Nope, it just doesn’t go far enough.

The exalted distaff side of that gazillionaire at Number Ten – you know, the partner of the one who takes out the bins – has indeed identified the extent of the burden which so many of us have been imposing on her hubby’s shareholders. A handy catalogue indeed, but no true solution.

May’s manifesto hints that the generations must pit themselves against each other to redefine their obligations to the state. Children, parents and grandparents throughout the land – over half of whose combined income is less than the bank balances of Britain’s richest 1% – increasingly blame each other, and eventually even themselves for the failed Tory economy.

Yep, it wuz us! We did it, we ruined Great Britain. Please go easy on us…

May and Co divert attention away from the party’s consistent failure to control borrowing and cut taxes by using the playground tactic of accusing Labour governments of tax and spend. Alternative facts? You bet! While over at the Treasury, minions burn midnight oil to devise further social deprivation while assuring corporate rewards.

Costings? We ain’t gonna tell you the costings, you just have to trust us! But even we “little people” know that tinkering with a tax-take here, a few billions of revenue there… well, that ain’t gonna cut it. Crippling the NHS by amputating its limbs may make global private health providers rub their hands with glee, but society just gets sicker.

We need a much more radical solution. Happily, we need look back no further than 1729. It was the year a pamphlet appeared, published anonymously in Dublin, and it devoted itself wholeheartedly to a very similar economic dilemma facing Mrs May today. It has resonance for her problems of homelessness, of food banks serving people working two, even three jobs. It addresses what to do with the burden of the elderly, and the increase in population. It takes inspiration from the quintessence of capitalism and the free market. What could be better for the economy of the country, and its place among the political powers of the world?

It’s a delightfully simple solution. If the poor are a burden, just let them die. Which doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun at their expense.

The pamphlet was titled A Modest Proposal For preventing the Children of Poor People From being a Burthen to Their Parents or Country, and For making them Beneficial to the Publick. The author might have used one of his several pen names: Isaac Bickerstaff, M. B. Drapier, Lemuel Gulliver, or Simon Wagstaff, Esq. But in fact, it was written and presented by the brilliant author, essayist, and Dean of St Patrick’s, Dr. Jonathan Swift.

That, Mrs May, is the kind of fresh thinking needed. That will unite the public, whatever their former affiliation. With a few simple adjustments and taking more contemporary relevance from recent popular culture, the fully-costed Tory manifesto can become the very blueprint to cure our country’s ills. We must turn the population into the actual playing pieces in the Game of Life. This will merely animate their current function as social fodder for bosses and the military. They will be set loose, district by district to be pursued across brown and green fields, by those members of the hunt fit to ride and lead the horses and hounds.

It’s The Hunger Games combined with the return of The Hunt… with a few twists. Care homes that currently house anyone of pension age, with or without dementia, will be stocked with foxes. At the sound of the hunting horn, the doors will open, and carers will lead the humans and animals onto the crowded pathways until they’re torn to pieces by the hunting packs. Any hunters will have the option to salvage the meat for their tables, thus producing less reliance on foreign imports of lower nutritional standards, not to mention exorbitant trade barriers. And, with Britain leading the way in robotics, even those carer jobs can be replaced by less problematic staff.

It will also provide a solution for the problem of how to claim any property or estate left by the carnage. The hunters can choose to allow the younger generations to occupy such homes, provided they pay rent and their own families are kept below numbers that avoid social benefits. Babies, as previously suggested by Dr Swift, will be up for purchase by The Hunt, either for personal consumption [recipes included], or to feed the dogs.

So, how about it, Mrs May… will you be brave? Will you sound that horn? Will you Tally and will you Ho? A nation awaits.

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This post was written by outRageous!